My White Flag

As a little girl, I remember telling my mother that all I wanted to do when I grew up was marry a man just like my Dad and move into a house just like theirs right next door. I’d like to say that my dreams evolved as I aged, but they didn’t, not really. In my teenage years, my goal was to be a wife and mother and not much else. I still remember what a shock it was when I graduated high school and suddenly realized that this may not happen right away and what the heck was I supposed to do now?

So you’re probably asking yourself [and I know because I ask myself all the time], how did this Suzie Homemaker wind up so far from home in Africa of all places? It’s funny how when you are obedient, God takes our plans and dreams for our lives and revolutionizes them to such a degree that they don’t resemble anything you had ever thought possible. And I mean ‘funny’ in a sarcastic way, because I’m still a little bitter over the whole thing, but I’m working on it.

My family came for a visit this month and it was amazing. We had such a good time, full of laughter and new discoveries. I knew that when they left it would be difficult and it was, but for completely different reasons then I had imagined. I was surprised at how desperately I wanted to be going back with them, not simply for their presence, but because I longed to return to the comfortable. This past Sunday, as I sat in church, we sang a song about surrender and I clearly heard Jesus ask me if I was ready to truly surrender my future to Him. What if I never moved back to Spokane? What if I never lived near my family again? What if I never got married and had children? Am I willing to trust him with my tomorrow, my next year, my next ten years?

I realized that though I had been talking a good talk, when it came right down to it, I was holding a big part of myself away from Him, saying, ‘You can have these few years, but the rest of my life is mine,’ and I didn’t even know I was doing it. The best I can say now is that I’m working on it. I haven’t waved my white flag yet, but I know He is patient with me through the process.